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Life is a game June 30, 2008

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Hawkeye: So that’s it? Everything’s going according to plan,huh?
Lockhart: Yeah, except one thing. This painful feeling is not part of the plan. I guess I have to endure it for a while and it was a price that I should pay.
Hawkeye: You’re going to be okay, I know that. I guess it’s better that you stay as her friend for a while.
Lockhart: Well I’m not so sure about that, there will be an awkwardness that will going between us for the next few days. And I have more than a hundred ways about how I should act with her now but I don’t know which one is the best.
Hawkeye: So what do you think happen with her actually? I mean,after all this time,and suddenly..
Lockhart: Oh I could also say that I have more than a hundred explanation that I can tell you about why this is happening? I even doubt that she has the same understanding about this situation which is going between us as good as I am. She doesn’t even know her own feeling and she had said all that stuffs freely because she THOUGHT it was what she feels. But another part of me, the-prepare-for-the-worst other part keeps saying that this might be just a temporary feeling and someday she will recognize her own feeling but another part of me wants to believe everything she said.
Lockhart: Well it doesn’t matter anymore this time. It has already happened. She’s like a cousin to me and I guess it will be better if it stays that way.
Hawkeye: So, what now?
Lockhart: I don’t know Liz, I don’t know what I should do anymore this time. This is why I hate to be to close to other person, I was too afraid that that person made such a great influence in my life and someday things like this will happen where the situation force us to leave each other. What a pity and what a waste of time when I think I have found someone who makes my life get more exciting.
Hawkeye: She does really affect you, doesn’t she?
Hawkeye: Normally you would say stuffs like, “Who cares about her!”, “She’s not lucky.”, “I still have other thing that I should put more concern about.” or stuff like that.

I hate it cause she knows me too well.

Hawkeye: And this is what I have tried to tell you the other time that you should get more interacted and be open to other people as well. It’s all part of life, you can’t live all by yourself, people come and sometime they stay and sometime they go. You can’t ignore that. Because that will give you more and more experience about socialize. And do you think that you don’t learn anything with your current situation right now? do you think that this is just a waste of time and you don’t get anything with the time you have wasted? Tell me!

She really has some points in her words.

Lockhart: Actually I learned tons of things and I also realize the mistakes that I have made and how to correct it and do better next time. There’s so many of it that even I can’t remember and have to write it down. And about what I get. I got an exciting moment for the past few months since a long time ago when I thought life can’t be more boring anymore. The time I spent with her is the very excited moment.
Hawkeye: That’s it. See? Then you’re not wasting your time, that’s what I’m talking about the other time. Every interaction which you make might ends up being an exciting activity. Who would have thought that your relationship with her started with a simple IM. Just go with the flow, and if it goes badly…..
Lockhart: I’d rather make mistakes than do nothing, I’d rather mess up than miss out completely. At least that was what life has taught me.
Hawkeye: I know that you’re going to say that.
Lockhart: You’re right Liz.
Hawkeye: And about that what-should-you-do thing, I guess you already knew exactly what you should do, you just hesitate about that. It’s not like that you can’t live without her,can you?
Lockhart: No, I can live with or without her it’s just without her might be boring. Well anyway I am really grateful to have you Liz. You’re right, I have already known what exactly I should do.
Hawkeye: One thing, if she’s still can’t get rid of her ex, why don’t you do something for her?
Lockhart: Oh believe me, I really want to help her, I’ve been there before and I knew exactly how does it feel and I’ve managed to pass it, few months after the break up is the critical part and I’m guessing that it should be around this time. But, she’s not the type of person who listens to what other people say or suggest. I have tons of way about what she should do, but I guess it’s better if she figures it out by herself. But if she needs my help then I will definitely help her.
Lockhart: She’s a good person Liz.
Hawkeye: I know, I have the same opinion so far too.
Lockhart: It’s not an opinion, it’s a fact.
Lockhart: I can’t imagine how could her ex hurt her so much. I even can’t imagine that I can hurt her even if I want to.
Hawkeye: Well I guess life has its own purpose don’t you think? anyway for you,this is not the end, it’s just a beginning. Maybe she came to your life with this purpose so that you would percieve life better.
Lockhart: Yeah, you’re right Liz, it’s not an ending, it’s just the beginning of a fun stuffs which might happen out there in the future.

After that we just spending our time chats about college stuff,friends, her boyfriend which is actually our high school friend and they have Long Distance Relationship, once again who would have thought that they can end up dating. I’m happy for her when I heard that. She is a good person and ends up with a good guy.
For me, I am really grateful to have this conversation with her. I guess if Claire and I are meant to be together, it will happen. Because sometime I used to think that life has been scripted, and we just have to go along with it.
And also life is a game, and it’s a game that a lot of people are scared to play. Because it is dangerous and also risky at the same time. And I have decided to take part in this game. I guess if you don’t take the risk, you will never see anything new. I hope this will be fun.

No, this will be fun.

I look around me
But all I seem to see
Is people going nowhere
Expecting sympathy
It’s like we’re going through the motions,
Of a scripted destiny
Tell me where’s our inspiration?
If life won’t wait I guess it’s up to me

Whoa, no we’re not gonna waste
Another moment in this town
Whoa, and we won’t come back
The world is calling out
Whoa, leave the past in the past
Gonna find the future
If misery loves company
Well so long
You’ll miss me when I’m gone

Won’t look back when I say goodbye
I’m gonna leave this hole behind me
I’m gonna take what’s mine tonight
Cause every wasted day
Becomes a wasted chance
You’re gonna wake up feeling sorry
Because life won’t wait
I guess it’s up to you
(A piece of lyric from When I’m Gone by Simple Plan)

Somebody’s me June 25, 2008

Posted by stevenlockhart in FOF.
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Hawkeye: Wow, that was quite a story. But you do really mean it, right?
Lockhart: What? you think I’m kidding?
Hawkeye: No, it’s just, weird. I know it’s been a long time since the last time you have this kind of feeling, don’t you? I didn’t count the time with Alice, because at that time you’re not as sure as this time.
Hawkeye: And I know how your previous relationship affect you. It was hard for you at that time.
Lockhart: Well, no one knows better than you.
Hawkeye: So, what exactly triggered you to do that?
Lockhart: Actually we had a conversation before. About stuff like her friends,my college, etc, just like usual. And based on that conversation which triggered me to do that.
Hawkeye: Wait, so you made a decision to tell her in just couple hours?
Lockhart: What, of course not. I’ve been thinking about that for a long time, and I don’t think it suppose to be said on a phone. But either way, I did it.
Hawkeye: And what exactly did she say?
Lockhart: Oh, wait a minute, I forgot to tell you that technically she told me first.
Hawkeye: SHE TOLD YOU FIRST??!!

I knew it will surprised her.

Lockhart: Yeah, I really didn’t expect that. I was the one who planned to tell her, but she got me first. She caught me off guard, I almost dropped the phone when I heard it.
Hawkeye: But don’t you think it was a little bit too fast for her.
Lockhart: Yeah, I realize it either but I’m prepared to take the risk. Beside, if I didn’t do it she will never try to analyze and understand her own feeling.
Hawkeye: Meaning?
Lockhart: Well, if this keep continues without me having told her. She’ll just enjoyed her own feeling for me and be happy with it without realizing either she has really over her ex or not.
Hawkeye: Wow, always thinking one step ahead, don’t you? Very unselfish and concern towards another, that’s so not like you. Does she know about that?
Lockhart: With the way she thinks? I guess not. But I don’t really care. What I care is that she will try to understand her own feeling, and if she really over her ex, I guess I will have the best time of my life since a long time ago.
Hawkeye: And if she doesn’t?
Lockhart: Well let’s just say that my plan works. Always take the positive part.
Hawkeye: What a complicated life you have.
Lockhart: And that’s why they called it ‘life’

How, how did we go wrong?
It was so good, and now it’s gone,
And I pray at night, that our paths will cross.
And what we had isn’t lost.
Cause you’re always right here in my thoughts
You will always be in my Life,
Even if I’m not your Life
cause you’re in my memory.
You, will you remember me?…
And before you set me free, oh, listen please…
Somebody wants you,
Somebody needs you.
Somebody dreams about you every single night.
Somebody can’t breathe, without you it’s lonely.
Somebody hopes that someday you will see
That somebody’s me.
(a piece of lyric from Somebody’s me by Enrique Iglesias)

Destiny or Coincidence? June 20, 2008

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There’s a funny rumour going on between these two movie stars named Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal which is currently dating. A famous oracle namely Kenny Kingston make prophecy which stated that these two Hollywood star was used to be a couple in their previous life during World War I.
Wow,if somehow,they end up getting married, it might be because of what we used to call ‘destiny speaking’ and they are really mean for each other. Who would have thought that something like this can happen in real life.

“He was a doctor, she was a nurse. They worked closely together and were also romantically involved. But too soon, he was called to more active duty and they were separated. So, in this life, they must complete their relationship, both romantically and in some capacity, to work together.” – Kingston about Witherspoon and Gyllenhaal

source : Cinemags

Lying in relationship June 11, 2008

Posted by stevenlockhart in FOF stand alone.
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I’ve just got some article about lying in relationship and this article is actually for men to read. I will write it in here.

Never lie. I can’t stress this enough. Even if you don’t accept my moral arguments against lying (and you’ll see them in a moment whether you accept them or not), consider these practical ones:

1. You’ll get caught. The better she gets to know you over time, the more she’ll be able to tell when you’re lying. It can become really difficult to keep your story straight. As Mark Twain said, “Honesty is not having to remember what you’ve said.”

2. She’ll feel justified in lying to you.

3. You blur the issue: if you lie, you are telling her that even in your own opinion, what you are doing is unacceptable. How can you expect her to accept something that you yourself won’t stand up for and don’t believe in enough to be honest about?

4. You appear weak: weak men lie to get what they want. Strong men are honest about their desires.

5. Lying isn’t necessary: you can get what you want without dishonesty.

Now for the moral arguments. All communication relies on honesty, and lies in a relationship are like a rotten foundation under a house. No matter how great everything else is, if the foundation crumbles, so does the house. A woman who invests her emotional energy in you is trusting you with her emotional health and well-being, just as she trusts you with her physical well-being when you are together. You have a responsibility to take reasonable care of her. Lying to her is using her. If you remember a time you’ve been lied to or betrayed, you know how it feels. Yes, some women can be callous and have probably hurt you in the past, but callous women are not usually the ones who love and trust you.

And hope this article will help people against lying. I personally don’t like lying, no matter how hard the truth is, it’s better to know it because with some lie will come up with another lie.

God bless the broken road June 11, 2008

Posted by stevenlockhart in FOF.
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Clairinevglds : I think i’m afraid to be happy because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens (charlie brown).

Ups, she just IMed me.
And here’s what I don’t understand about her, I always trying to figure out what she may think and feel based on whatever she said so that I can predict what she will do and I can decide what I should do. And I’m proudly say that I’m pretty good at this kind of thing. But this time, it isn’t as easy as it used to be.

Let’s take a look at those words for example. I have two guesses in my mind now which are :
1. She just find that those words are really cool and she wants me to know it so she sends it to me. There is no other intention. Just find those words, she thinks it is cool, and she lets me know.
2. She feels exactly the same as those words, so she tells me that those words describe her feeling right now.
And I have different answer for both of them. Well, whatever.

It’s been a long time since I have this kind of feeling, a feeling that I’m not really sure I should have. I might have fallen for her. Oh great I’ve just said it. Yeah I may have fallen in love with the one who has been destined to know me since before we were borned which is my childhood friend, who is actually always appears around me because my mother always tells me about her which I never pay more attention before, who has had a long relationship with her ex, who actually has no similarity between us, who has just come into my life for about two months after ten years disappear, and for worse who I haven’t met. I know this sounds crazy but it’s just that I don’t have a better explanation to describe my feeling towards her right now. Beside, love is crazy,isn’t it? And I get a feeling that she feels the same way about me, because, what kind of explanation do you have to explain all af her action towards me.

And this is not a part of my plan where-I-see-myself-five-years-later. Loving someone, for me, is something you shouldn’t mess with. It means that the girl who I fall in love with is special, at least in my eyes. And since I can control my own feeling, I can control my action without being affected by my emotion. I still can think and act logically because I’ve seen how people get crazy when they fall in love.

I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern star
Pointed me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God bless the broken road and led me straight to you
(a piece of lyric from God bless the broken road by Rascal Flats)

Essay June 7, 2008

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It’s been a long time since I have written an essay. So this time I want to give it a try. It’s just because I have too much in my head and I need a thing as a vessel of my thought. And the only way is writing. It keeps me sane.

So then I open my Microsoft Word and start writing. The topic of this essay is how a person can fall in love with his/her bestfriend. Because this happens a lot in our life. Well my life actually. And it’s very funny if you think about it.

As we aware of that in our life, someone who used to be friends or bestfriend can end up dating each other. In this short essay I will try to explain and describe this unusual phenomenon who might even have happened to yourself.
As you know that

Okay I’m blocked, it’s not because I don’t know what I should write, it’s just there’s too many I want to write, so I may have to organized it first in a paper.

Okay this should help.

As we aware of that in our life, someone who used to be friends or bestfriend can end up dating each other. In this short essay I will try to explain and describe this unusual phenomenon who might even have happened to yourself.

As you know that in our social life people meet, they become friends and get to know each other. As you interact with another people you get attracted and become interested with that person and you even want to know more about them. After spending some time to get to know each other, you’ll find out that it’s very comfortable talking with him/her. And this is what we call building comfort. And also maybe you can realize that there is some chemistry sparkling between you and him/her. Some people might realize that he/she is falling in love with his/her bestfriend while another isn’t until some things trigger it, but sometime it is too late. Who needs another if you have someone who knows and understand you the most, who will always be there for you and helping, supporting, and care for you? And of course you have no intention to chasing him/her the very first time you meet, you just want to make friends, but eventually that feeling grows up and become love.

And what kind of thought that will cross in your mind right now? Does this even worth the risk? I guess this kind of thought. What if he/she doesn’t feel the same way? And the worst part is, what if this feeling ruin our friendship which we have already been built for long time? And I will say that there is no answer with that question. It depends on the person himself, while some people prefer to take the risk and confess his/her own feeling because he/she would rather know the truth than suffering from his/her own feeling and another will just keep it by himself. And what I’m trying to tell is never do anything if the risk is bigger than the consequences.

Some people said that the person you can really love is closer than you think. And I guess these words apply in this situation. Who would have thought that you will fall in love with your own bestfriend? And if he/she loves you back, and you end up dating, you might get some special treatment, care, and love which you won’t get if your relationship still remain as friends. You can express your feeling freely without getting an akwardness moment. And also you can get a very deep level of understanding and trust because you already know what kind of person he/she is based on his/her daily life.

To sum up all, a boyfriend/girlfriend can also become your bestfriend at the same time, but it doesn’t apply the other way. There will always a limit of how far you may act if you’re still in the friend zone.

Oh my God, this essay is suck, it’s not very well organized, I really lost my touch right now.
I need my English teacher.

Best offense is always strong defense? June 5, 2008

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“Steve,I’m sorry,I guess I must’ve been overslept last night” Claire text me.

Yeah I knew it,it’s like about what?the third time she got overslept while talking to me?I don’t know,it’s either the topic we were talking about was too boring or the time I took to reply her message was too long. But of course I didn’t say it to her.

Instead,I say “Oh yeah,it’s okay,I thought that too. Beside it was already late last night.”
“Really? I thought that you must be angry.” she replies

Always thinking of the worst,doesn’t she?

“And why would I be angry?no it’s okay,really. I understand.”

Okay, I’m not getting used with this. First,let’s rewind back several months ago. Alice is someone totally almost like me, she is a very unopen person that I’ve ever met and I always trying to figure out what she thinks. But Claire,is the exact opposite of her,and me. She is too open,she tells me everything what she thinks,and what she feels at the moment,even if the object of her mind is me. This emotional roller coaster is too much to handle. At the first time,I never believe whatever she said about herself. Girls are not to be trusted if it has a relation with their feeling. But this time? I think that theory doesn’t apply with Claire. All of her words,and everything she said,it feels so real. And I think she means it.

And the worst part is,I think she just bring out the worst in me. I even tell her what I feel,like when I miss her,want to meet her and something like that. But of course I’m still capable to restrain myself for not telling her everything. At least not right now. And I’ve just really known her for about how long?a month? Oh God,this is insane.

Gossip Girl (episode 18) June 4, 2008

Posted by stevenlockhart in FOF stand alone.
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Gossip girl has reached its final episode for this first season with a very shocking ending. I mean,who will think that it has to end like that. And its second season will air on September,oh God,what took it so long? I love that movie,every scene,every song,everything.

Well in its final episode,some of its character namely Chuck Bass make a speech for his father’s wedding,and that is quite a speech which I love very much.

“One thing I learned from my father’s courtship of Lily,is the importance of preseverance. That in the face of true love you don’t just give up, even if the object of your affection is begging you to (I love these words). And one thing I learned from Lily, is the importance of forgiveness, she gave my father the gift of a second chance, and in kind, I’ve watched him become someone actually worthy of that gift. And one day, I hope I’ll be lucky enough, to find someone, who will do the same for me.”

I was so touched by his words and even repeat it several times.

Change of life June 3, 2008

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Who knows that life has full of surprise. Last time I was lying on my bed and thinking about how boring my life is. I’ve been trying to do something new to make my life more colorful. But this time,it’s been about a month since Claire has come to my life and I’ve been spending almost all of my time thinking of her,talking with her,sharing with her which something I’ve never done before. And I can feel it,that we’re connect,eventhough something that I am not capable of is actually what she does the best and it also happens the other way.

I’ve just got her message. And in her message she explain everything about the way she feels about me. Well basically it’s the same with the way I feel about her. She tells me that how my existance affect her life in a very good way.

“It’s been a long time I haven’t felt this kind of feeling. And why suddenly I feel this way? And can’t get ‘this person’ out of my head. You can make me always thinking about you instead of my ex. And everyday I always wait for your call. I’m happy when you call,happy when your name appears in my phone and always imagine to be able to meet you as soon as possible.”
“But I’m also afraid,I’m afraid that by the time goes by I will have a crush on you,I’m afraid to hurt again.”

Afraid to hurt again huh? and speaking of hurt,I think I can’t imagine anyone who knows and understand better than me about how painful love is. Well my thought is,if you’re not prepare to get hurt,then never fall in love till you’re ready. Because that’s what I’ve been doing for these past few years. Unless if you’re willing to take the risk and you sure that you’re ready. Always prepare for the worse huh.

Well,based on our daily conversation, I think you don’t have to become a great analyst to be able to tell that she likes me.And eventually I like her too.

Claire June 2, 2008

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Hmm..okay, two hours spending,chatting with Claire. Not bad for the first time huh. Mostly we just talked about our daily life,about our past,college,parents,etc. Well she’s a nice person, I think.

And we chat again the next day,and the next day,and the next day. Because she got a holiday after her mid term and staying in her sister’s place,so basically, we’ve got plenty of time.

Well some fact about her,we’ve been friends like what,forever. Actually I think we’ve been decided to be friends since before we were borned. It’s that,my mother and hers is best friend. So when she said that I am her first friend,and I think it also apply the same thing to me. But,for some reason, our path never cross until this time. She has just broke up after having 7 years relationship with her boyfriend. It’s weird,you know,the last time I came to her house was about a month ago,and I’m still asking about her boyfriend,and now suddenly she told me that she broke up. And didn’t feel anything when she says it to me. Well,based on my experience,the time will come when she will feel the after effect of breaking up.

Well,anyway,I had so much fun talking to her. And since today is the last day of her holiday,she will be back to her place. And beside that, I’ve already got her phone number and let’s find out what kind of person she is.